Friday, November 7, 2014

waiting still.

Last night, I was in a mood. You know, that mood where you just hate everything and everyone and your life seems dismal and dumb. I didn't wake up in that mood. I had a great day at work. We went to the gym afterward, for the first time in what felt like 29 years, and then came home. Brickley had decided to eat 6 or so oatmeal creme pies out of my work bag, so I got to clean that up and then worry about her physical state... Even so, life was good. But after we got home and settled, I started to work on some necessary to do list things... That's when it hit. 

Right now, my life is a whole bunch of waiting. Waiting for test scores. Waiting for certification results. Waiting for background clearances. Waiting for a baby. Last night, I worked on an application for a certification that could significantly alter the course of my career. Unfortunately, everything, at this point, is out of my hands, and all I can do is wait. I've worked toward this for the past year and a half. I've spent a lot of time and money to get to where I am. But it's STILL up in the air. How hopeless does it feel to know that you have done everything you can do and it still might not be good enough? I have been working hard at being content where I am with the hope that soon, things will change. But what if they don't?

So I panicked. I almost decided to give up altogether because it might not be worth it at all. I went to bed angry and frustrated and terrified my dog was going to puke on me in the middle of the night. 

This morning, I read the following:

I am training you to depend on me alone, finding fulfillment in My Presence. This entails being satisfied with much or with little, accepting either as my will for the moment. Instead of grasping and controlling, you are learning to release and receive. Cultivate this receptive stance by trusting Me in every situation. 
((Jesus Calling))

Now, I think this section was ultimately written about worrying about the day to day provisions, finding value in money, etc. Anyone who has heard my story about having a panic attack over buying Chipotle for lunch knows that monetary security is definitely an anxiety trigger for me. 

However, today, I saw it in a different way. While waiting for Him to move, for Him to speak, for answers to come, or life changes to take place, I must seek fulfillment in Him. I have no control. It's been taken from me because I have done everything I can at this point. "Cultivate this receptive stance by trusting Me in every situation." In every season, regardless of whether or not I get what I want, what I've worked toward, my hope should be in God alone. He alone is worthy of it.

In an unrelated study, I went on to read: 

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, My God. 
((Psalm 42:1))

These fears and insecurities and frustrations will melt away if my soul is being quenched by the waters of the Holy Spirit. Lately I've struggled to make time to let my spirit be filled by God and His Word. No wonder this time of waiting has induced panic. Why do I starve myself until I'm so hungry for Him that any little bump in the road sends me into fear that things won't work out exactly as they should?

So, since yesterday, nothing about my situation has changed. I'm still waiting for multiple situations to change, and the end is not really near. BUT I find hope in the fact that regardless of the outcome, Jesus is my hope. When I press into Him, He will fill me with His peace. I can wait with confidence, knowing the One who is in charge not only controls the universe, but my little life, as well.